I’ve heard people say that I don’t understand how friendships work

I’m Mike. I’m autistic.

I’ve heard people say that I don’t understand how friendships work. That I’m too quiet. Or too direct. Or too intense. Or not responsive in the “right” ways. And sometimes, from the outside, I can see why it looks that way.

But the part that gets missed is this: I do want friends. Just not in the way people expect.

I’m not always good at starting conversations. I don’t naturally jump into group dynamics. I don’t always know when it’s my turn to speak, or how to keep something going just to keep it going. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested. It means I don’t operate on automatic social patterns.

For me, connection is more intentional. I don’t reach out just to fill space. I don’t talk just to avoid silence. If I’m engaging, it’s because I actually want to—not because I feel like I’m supposed to.

That can make me look distant, but I’m not. I just don’t perform connection the same way.

I also tend to go deeper, faster. I’m less interested in surface-level interaction and more interested in something real. That can feel like “too much” to people who are expecting things to build slowly.

So there’s a mismatch. People might think I’m not trying, or that I don’t care, or that I’m hard to connect with. But from my side, it often feels like I’m trying to connect in a way that isn’t being recognized.

There are also practical things. I might not text back right away—not because I’m ignoring someone, but because I’m focused on something else and don’t shift quickly between tasks. I might not pick up on hints or indirect invitations. I might assume that if someone wants to spend time with me, they’ll say that clearly.

When those expectations don’t line up, connections don’t form—even when both people might want them to.

That’s the frustrating part.

Not wanting friends isn’t the issue. Translation is.

I want friendships that are clear, direct, and consistent—where I don’t have to guess what someone means, where silence isn’t taken as disinterest, where being straightforward isn’t seen as rude, and where I don’t have to constantly adjust myself to fit into a pattern that doesn’t come naturally.

I don’t need a large circle. I need people who understand how I communicate—or are willing to.

Because when that alignment is there, I connect just fine.

The problem isn’t that I don’t want friends. It’s that the way I try to connect doesn’t always get seen for what it is.

And once that’s understood, things get a lot simpler.